"I'm Overwhelmed..."

Hello Sojourners… I’m tired.

I’m literally sitting on my bed, just got back to my room from when I left around 9am this morning. I feel spent. Not just physically tired but emotionally drained too. 

Life doesn’t always give us the space to polish our feelings before we share them so this is me showing up real and honest. Hopefully, I gain clarity as I share. 

This Past Week Has Been Heavy.

Maybe heavy is even an understatement.

I had a really deep conversation with a dear friend today, one of those conversations that doesn’t solve all your problems but reminds you that what you feel is justified. Even more importantly, it was a conversation that reminded me that even when it feels overwhelming, there’s some growth hanging in there, somewhere. My friend said something profound, he said, “You can think but think right.” So here I am, trying to think right by penning these thoughts. Hopefully, I gain some clarity by the time I am done.

So let me tell you all where I’ve been emotionally these past few days…

I've felt like I'm not doing enough.

Like there’s so much to achieve, so much to become but I feel stuck in a routine. The truth is, on the outside, the routine looks productive but at the end of the day, especially these past few days, I feel empty.

Wake up. Go to work. Come back tired. Maybe attend rehearsals. Sleep late. Wake up early. Repeat.

Is that all there is?

For me, this cycle I’ve found myself in leaves little room for stillness… for connection; with humans and God!

But Just thinking About It, I Think That’s What’s Weighing Me Down The Most.

I’ve been running on empty. Yes, I say little prayers here and there during the day. I whisper "God, help me’s,” have my alarms which reminds me to say a prayer here and there. But for some time now, I cannot remember just being still,  just me and God, with no rush, no pressure, no agenda.

Just dedicated time to be in His presence.

And I think that’s why I’ve been feeling this way.

I remember there was this day (somewhere in February or March), I woke up to prepare for work and I just said in my mind as I grabbed my soap, “there’s more to life than this.” Hm.

I think that’s the clarity I’m holding on to tonight.

This cycle of waking up, working hard, earning money, chasing dreams is not all there is to life. I wasn’t created just to function like a machine. I was created to live. I was created to be deeply connected to God, to people. My purpose is bigger than this. (And honestly? “This” is really starting to feel like a performance... sigh.)

So What Now?

Honestly, I don’t have all the answers.

I’m still sitting here, on my bed, trying to think right. But also, I choose to believe that what I’m feeling is just for a moment. I choose to believe God allowed this moment to make me pause and remember that I am more than my to-do list. 

So I give myself permission to rest. To start again; slowly, gently, with God.

That’s a good place to always start again - with God. 

Maybe you’ve also been running hard without pause, without stillness.

I hope this reminds you (like it’s reminding me), this isn’t all there is to life. 

Now, let’s go start with God, again. Do say a prayer for me.

Great grace to us all.